chat roulette

is genius.

Also, when you share a bed with a super hot "straight" friend for the first time and wake up to find your bodies intertwined face-to-face (as in, faces touching), and his dick is hard as a rock, is it safe to assume said friend is at least bi? Or was he just having a good dream?

Also, I have amazing willpower.

in which I say fuck a lot

NPR got me all kinds of riled up on the way to work today.  I suppose this is what happens when you get older and more opinionated, but so many players in the news irritate the fuck out of me.  Three in particular today:

The Catholic Church:  Ok, look, Bandito Benito.  Humans are sexual.  If you don't give men healthy outlets, they're gonna find unhealthy ones.  If you won't let them bone their wives, they're gonna want to bone somebody else.  If you tell them that's wrong, they're gonna do it in secret.  If they have to do it in secret, they're gonna choose somebody who won't spill the beans: somebody trusting, malleable and afraid.  They're gonna choose kids.  

Also, if you vilify homosexuals, they're gonna find a place to hide from you.  A place where they have a plausible (even laudable) excuse for not boning women.  A place where they're surrounded by other men.  A place where they are trusted and respected in a way they wouldn't be if they were open about who they are.  They're gonna become priests!  And then, just like any other man, they're gonna fall into the cycle in the previous paragraph, but it's gonna be boys instead of girls.  

Is anybody surprised the Catholic Church has a child-abuse scandal!?  I'm not.  Don't get me wrong...the celibacy policy is NOT an excuse.  These people are sick motherfuckers who deserve to be castrated and imprisoned.  No joke.  I don't care how hard your life has been, and how unfair the church may be.  You don't touch kids, no matter what.  But the church is exacerbating the problem.  If they'd wake up and actually be in the world, they wouldn't attract these people, and the sick ones might come forward and get help before it's too late.     

Republicans/Tea Bags (aka Douche Bags):  Regardless of whether you think universal health care is a good idea, GROW THE FUCK UP!  Obama is not a socialist any more than Bush was a fascist.  Death panels are not going to bury your grandma alive.  Insuring everyone may be expensive, but it's a lot cheaper than treating 30 million poor people in emergency rooms, and it's a whole lot cheaper than invading Iraq for no reason.  Democrats may be running roughshod over the Constitution by using parliamentary trickery to pass the bill, but you can't complain about it now after you happily did the same thing when you were in power.  Debate the actual merits of the bill, or shut the fuck up.  The American political system is all sorts of F.U.B.A.R.  

Israel:  Y'all know I had a Jew fetish.  And my brother-in-law and niece are Jewish.  So don't even start.  But seriously, why should American soldiers be dying in the desert fighting an enemy who thinks we're enabling Israel to be unreasonable WHILE ISRAEL IS BUSY BEING UNREASONABLE!?!?  If a pre-condition to peace is that you stop building settlements, STOP BUILDING FUCKING SETTLEMENTS!!  How hard is it to NOT send bulldozers and construction workers into somebody else's home?  If you need more apartments, build another fucking high-rise in Tel-Aviv!  

I understand that both sides are wrong.  VERY wrong.  It goes without saying that it is never acceptable to lob missiles into neighborhoods or blow up buses and pizza parlors.  This is a terribly complicated problem, and I'm over-simplifying it.  But if you want a good faith gesture to get talks started, GIVE ONE!  I expect Israel to take the high road in this situation.  Yes, some Palestinians are being totally unreasonable and criminal, but you're the ones with your own country, and money, and a military, and a US ally.  Grow up and be the bigger man.  Stop purposely antagonizing them!  You can't expect them to stop trying to kill you if you keep doing the one thing you know pisses them off the most.  It's like coming back day after day to hit the beehive with a bat.  You're gonna get stung, dumbshit!  You're never going to be able to reason with angry people, so stop making them angry!  

And just so you're not surprised, I'm telling you now that I'm going to delete any comment that calls me anti-semitic.  Debate the merits if you want, but don't go there.  That's why we can't have a rational conversation about this topic in America, and I just won't tolerate it.

And now that I've offended just about everybody, it's time to get to work :)

always a bridesmaid, never a bride

Something's gotta give.  I had it brought home to me again last night (in quite a rude way, which was unfortunate), that I am never more than second best. 

I have AMAZING friends, who I love, and who love me very much.  I am so thankful for them every day.  There are five to ten guys and girls with whom I am in weekly (if not daily) contact.  We have adventures and we laugh and we create.  We plan for the future and confide in each other and sometimes sleep together.  We are a bunch of musketeers, and life is fantastic.  Sometimes it makes me positively giddy to think about how lucky I am to be surrounded by so much love.  There are moments when I feel so close to them that I believe they will be there for me, forever.  I couldn't ask for better friends.

But at the end of the day, they each go home to their boyfriends (or whoever else they're infatuated with at the moment).  And if push came to shove, they'd each drop me if they had to.  No matter how much they love me, no matter how wonderful I am to them, no matter how much they appreciate me, I am always second choice.  And in each of their lives, I always will be.  Even if they consider me their best friend (and a couple of them do), I'm still just a friend.  I am not anybody's favorite person. 

So what do I do? 

If you've read this blog since the beginning, you'll know I have an amazing capacity to fool myself.  For years, this big old cock-hound convinced himself he wasn't even gay, and that mere friendship with the hot guys in my life was perfectly satisfying.  At the moment, I'm doing the same thing all over again: I'm fooling myself into believing that mere friendship with all these wonderful people is enough for me.  It's fulfilling, to be sure.  But not enough. 

The irony is, I can't even talk about this with anyone, because all the people I'd talk about it with are part of the problem. 

Do I continue investing all of this energy in them, the energy that they all put into their boyfriends and not into me?  Do I cut them loose, because this is ultimately a waste of time if my goal is to find lasting love?  I'm sure the answer is something in between.  But how do I find the correct path?

the meat missile mud bath

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I did it. A gentleman has finally gone up the down staircase, if you know what I mean. And you know what? Much to my surprise and amazement, I liked it. A lot. In fact, I can't think of much else, except what I'd like to do next time. I may be a lady in the street, but...

I was always so afraid, and now I can't really figure out what the big deal was. Sure, it takes a little getting used to. But it's so damn hot, and therefore so damn worth it!

And now, in honor of the occasion, I'd like to know your favorite euphemisms for this, Dr. Dobson's most terrifying mental image. Here are a few to get your creative juices flowing:

Lookin’ for Love in All the Wrong Places

When One-Eye Met Brown-Eye

Drilling for Oil on the Moon

Taking His Temp with the Meat Thermometer

Bogeying Hole Number Two

What are your favorites?