Something's gotta give. I had it brought home to me again last night (in quite a rude way, which was unfortunate), that I am never more than second best.
I have AMAZING friends, who I love, and who love me very much. I am so thankful for them every day. There are five to ten guys and girls with whom I am in weekly (if not daily) contact. We have adventures and we laugh and we create. We plan for the future and confide in each other and sometimes sleep together. We are a bunch of musketeers, and life is fantastic. Sometimes it makes me positively giddy to think about how lucky I am to be surrounded by so much love. There are moments when I feel so close to them that I believe they will be there for me, forever. I couldn't ask for better friends.
But at the end of the day, they each go home to their boyfriends (or whoever else they're infatuated with at the moment). And if push came to shove, they'd each drop me if they had to. No matter how much they love me, no matter how wonderful I am to them, no matter how much they appreciate me, I am always second choice. And in each of their lives, I always will be. Even if they consider me their best friend (and a couple of them do), I'm still just a friend. I am not anybody's favorite person.
So what do I do?
If you've read this blog since the beginning, you'll know I have an amazing capacity to fool myself. For years, this big old cock-hound convinced himself he wasn't even gay, and that mere friendship with the hot guys in my life was perfectly satisfying. At the moment, I'm doing the same thing all over again: I'm fooling myself into believing that mere friendship with all these wonderful people is enough for me. It's fulfilling, to be sure. But not enough.
The irony is, I can't even talk about this with anyone, because all the people I'd talk about it with are part of the problem.
Do I continue investing all of this energy in them, the energy that they all put into their boyfriends and not into me? Do I cut them loose, because this is ultimately a waste of time if my goal is to find lasting love? I'm sure the answer is something in between. But how do I find the correct path?
