this is a test

I'm testing to see whether I can email to my blog as a way to post.  I think I might post more often if I could do that.  We'll see!

its wonderful, but....

I've been dating a guy for a couple months now, and he's great. Cute, fun, smart, hard working, easy-going. For once he's a bit older than me, which is a welcome change. I love spending time with him. I love looking at him. I love kissing him. In short, I'm liking this a lot.

But for unknown reasons, I don't want to do more than kiss. I have no interest in seeing him naked. I have no interest in touching his junk. And so I consciously avoid situations where I might be expected to do that. I'd much rather come home after the date and take care of my own business.

Part of the problem is that I get bored of sexual partners quickly. Part of it is that I know I can sleep with much hotter guys if I want to. Part of it may be that he seems more into me than I am in him, so my low self esteem causes me to assume there's something wrong with him. It's not a fear of commitment (unless it's subconscious) since I do want a boyfriend, and I think he'd make a good one. It's not even a fear of monogamy, because he's very open to flexible arrangements.

WHAT DO I DO!?! I don't want to ruin a very promising relationship by not putting out. And it's not like he's unattractive. We did hook up once, back in the beginning, and it was just fine. He actually has a good body (very nice ass).

Do I just force myself to do it occasionally, and then both of us fool around on the side to get our other desires fulfilled? But I don't want to end up like the wife who lets her increasingly slovenly beer-swilling husband mount her once a month while she dreams about Brad Pitt, in order to keep him minimally satisfied! I want to want to rip his clothes off every chance I get. At least while we're still young and good looking. There is plenty of time for lackluster sex when we become undesirable.

Do I discuss it honestly with him? That doesn't seem like it would turn out well. Although honesty and open communication are key to a good relationship.

Do I just suggest threesomes for now, hoping that I become more interested in one-on-one as time progresses?

I need to think about this quickly, because I sense that he's going to insist on a DTR (defining the relationship talk) pretty soon, and I want to have my decisions made before that happens.

if you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?

Do the theater queens among you recognize that? I'll let you figure it out. No googling.

It's so true, isn't it? I've become a big proponent lately of positive thinking and good vibrations and stuff. Not in a new-agey guru weird kinda way, but in a "well, it can't hurt, so why not be positive?" kinda way.

I think it's impossible to achieve your dreams if you're constantly visualizing failure and filled with dread. Why not visualize success, and fill yourself with hope? You'll automatically align your mind, and from there your actions, with the path that will take you where you want to go.

Of course, this philosophy is hard to reconcile with realism. And it's even harder to reconcile with risk-aversion. And I am extremely risk averse.

A few months ago, I was having dinner with a friend, and (because I was irritated with him for another reason) I attacked him for this very quality. Specifically, when he becomes interested in a boy, he goes WAY overboard. He thinks the guy really "gets" him, and that he has never felt a connection like this before. This could really be the one!

And then, after a while, reality sets in, and sometimes he gets hurt. As his friend, I see the pattern and provide the shoulder in the aftermath. But when I attacked him for it, he (quite justifiably) snapped back, "Well at least I try. At least I allow myself to feel something."

It stung, but within five minutes I realized he's right. I'm so risk averse, particularly in matters of the heart, that I never get as far as FEELING. I analyze the pros and cons, and since the cons have always outweighed the pros, I cut it off before there's any risk of getting hurt. Relationships can be painful, but if you don't take a risk, you'll never get what you want.

I do have a particular dream. More than anything, I want it to come true. I don't know how to get there, but the first step is admitting that it is my dream. I need to stop dwelling on the cons, and put the possibility of pain out of my mind. I need to just go for it. Otherwise, there's no possibility of my dream coming true.

What's your dream?